COLUMBUS, OH—Local man John Spiller, who hasn't spent any time talking with God all week, sounded off today about how distant God feels.

"It feels, like, really hard to connect with God right now," said John as he booted up another video game. "I don't know why He seems so far away and silent," he continued, moving his Bible out of the way to sit down on the couch.

According to Heavenly sources, the Creator and King of the universe continued to humbly await beloved wretches like John to converse with him. "I'm always here, waiting for my sons and daughters," said the Most High, as he watched Mr. Spiller mindlessly scrolling TikTok. "You know, I literally sacrificed my Son in order to be able to commune with my creation—but so far this week John has been too distracted with something call

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