IT’S real, it’s here, it’s happening and you’re about to get some, and now you’re going to ruin the moment by bringing feelings into it?

Think again. Bringing tears to the bedroom is as sexy as bringing your mum. Avoid unnecessary emotional spillage by never thinking about any of the following mid-f**k:

Your flagging standards

In your fantasies you’re shacking up with a brooding, clear-skinned man with a six-pack, a trust fund and his own place on the Thames. In reality, you’re giving Dave a blowjob in his second-hand Nissan Micra, and the only six-pack in sight is the Pilsner in the footwell. Don’t focus on the gap between the two; focus on not lurching into the gap between seats.

Your wedding day

Six minutes of missionary sex after three minutes of foreplay, all boob. Do you hear we

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