CHICAGO, IL — Witnesses were left to draw their own conclusions when they observed a man walking through downtown carrying a leather satchel over his shoulder. The only plausible explanation, onlookers determined, was that the man must be on his way to start an expedition into the Central American jungle to steal a cursed golden idol from an ancient Mayan temple.

"There's really no other reason why someone would carry a shoulder bag like that," one witness, Josh Wears, stated. "He's clearly venturing into some largely unpopulated area of the world in a perilous search for lost treasure that is imbued with mysterious, supernatural powers. I mean, it's pretty obvious, right?"

While the man with the satchel — wearing a suit and tie, carrying a Starbucks coffee, and talking on a cell phone —

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