SILVER SPRING, MD — An abjectly sinful four-month-old baby appeared to pay no attention whatsoever to the sermon at Bethel Lutheran Church this morning.

The baby appeared to be more interested in staring at its own hands than hearing the Gospel of Jesus Christ proclaimed.

"The sinful little wretch was so distracted the entire time," said fellow congregant Margot Benedict, who observed Baby Julian from a nearby pew. "I don't think he caught a word of what Pastor Caleb said. He couldn't even be bothered to keep his head up, it just kept slumping over. No reverence at all for the proclamation of God's Word."

Several other parishioners confirmed that Baby Julian displayed woeful attention throughout the service. "That bundle of depravity showed total disregard for Communion as well," said S

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