CHICAGO, IL — Editorial staff of the Chicago Nightly News reportedly discovered a brilliant hack to save time and energy at their jobs: simply reporting the names of the Chicago citizens who were not shot throughout the day.

"Tonight, we are happy to report that, um, Dave Jenkins and Carol Smith have not been shot," said one reporter. "Aaannnd, yeah. I guess that's it. We're done here!"

According to Milton Jameson, senior editor of the Chicago Nightly, the previous model of reporting the names of the citizens who were getting shot was simply far too labor-intensive and unsustainable.

"Before, we had reporters burning out within a few hours just trying to find all of the people who had gotten shot," Jameson said. "And then the reporters were getting shot, too. It was absolutely terribl

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