WOLFSBURG, GERMANY

After executive Oliver Schmidt was sentenced to seven years in prison for the Volkswagen emissions scandal, the German automaker is now offering embarrassed customers financial compensation for the “utter humiliation of having to drive one of these VWs around for the next few years.”

“For years we’ve tried to market our cars as the hipper alternative to American cars,” said spokesperson Wilma Fischer. “Now most Americans wouldn’t be caught dead driving one of our vehicles. So, well, the court ordered us to pay them to do it.”

But the emissions scandal has not been the only factor contributing to the utter embarrassment people face while driving a VW.

“I’m not sure why people still buy our cars,” said Fischer. “I mean, we advertise as if our cars are actually ‘German’

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