WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a heartfelt address to the American people today, Director of the Secret Service Kimberly Cheatle assured the nation that she wasn't trying to get Trump assassinated, stating instead that she's just very highly incompetent.

Cheatle's statement follows a host of speculations about potential foul play or intentional negligence on the part of the Secret Service, which prompted her to clarify that her failings stem from being bad at her job, not from any ill-will towards Donald Trump.

"I just want everyone to know I would never, ever actively attempt to allow a presidential candidate to be injured in any way, even if he is an evil fascist monster who should die," Cheatle said in an interview. "Of course, I wasn't trying to get Trump killed…there is absolutely no basis f

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