OTTAWA, ON

Patriotic Canadians across the country will gather today to celebrate a really long time of not being the United States of America.

“Canadians are a completely distinct culture. We have, like, slightly different football, it’s colder here, ummm, we have the CBC, oh, yeah, and some of us speak French,” explained Darren Patrick of Toronto. “I admit that I catch an episode of every once in a while, but for the most part I stick to Canadian content, and would even if the government didn’t force it on us.”

Fireworks are being prepared for tonight’s festivities, and many Canadians are already consuming the nation’s one truly national dish – mushy french fries with lots of crap thrown on top. “It’s darn tasty,” claim drunk Canadians everywhere.

“There are many things Canadians can

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