The Black Hole of the Demanding Perfectionist

Key points

Other-oriented perfectionists hold others to high and unreasonable standards, often not even knowing them.

Self-oriented perfectionists tend to have extremely high expectations of meeting another's needs.

Each perfectionist uses this relationship dynamic to meet an excessive bar for self-esteem.

Children can be, and usually are, demanding. A parent may recall their fussy child’s tantrums over a particular meal or toy, remembering the challenge of getting it just right. Children expect, and rightfully so, their parents to know what’s good for them, even when they don’t know themselves. Ultimately, it’s the parent’s responsibility to soothe, which all of us accept as the natural state of things. However, this way of being also constitutes other-oriented perfectionism, or the d