Alice Jackson and her twin granddaughters, Hayden and Hailee. The girls were 14 years old when Jackson moved into their family home full time.
Melissa Rogers and her mother, Alice Jackson. Rogers said her mother, who died at 78, "was the cutest little old lady ever. Spunky."
Kathleen Korpela and her father, Stanley August, who died in October 2024. She helped care for him for nearly eight years.

Melissa Rogers, 48, didn't want her mother to live in her home in her final days.

Her mom, Alice Jackson, had dementia. Rogers found a memory care facility in Minnesota, where they live, and applied for a senior voucher to place her mom there. "Then it was a waiting game," Rogers said.

Jackson moved in with Rogers and her family in March 2023, and Rogers quit her job and cared for her mother full time. Months passed, and her mother's health declined. Rogers watched her twin daughters process the reality that their grandmother didn't know who they were anymore.

Jackson died in June of that year. In September, Rogers got a call from the memory care facility that they had a room available for her mother. But it was too late.

Rogers isn't alone. While 74% of adults say they would want to be cared for at home, according to data from Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance, a new survey of more than 1,200 adults in the United States found 7 in 10 family caregivers don't want their aging parents to live with them. The survey, conducted by Age of Majority for Restaura, a culinary company for senior living facilities, also found that only 17% of respondents have had fully detailed discussions with their parents about their care needs and the possibility of moving to senior housing.

"My father waited until 10 days before he died to tell me how he wanted to handle his end of life," Joseph Cuticelli, co-founder and CEO of Restaura, told USA TODAY. "And this is a conversation I tried to have with him for a long time, but he was so hesitant."

Those delayed conversations can become urgent when health emergencies arise or a parent's health starts to rapidly decline.

Rogers said her family hadn't prepared for her mom's senior years at all. "You're thrown into it," she said.

Sandwich generation faces financial pitfalls

Even though most adults don't want their aging parents to live with them, many still find themselves in that situation. For a lot of families, it boils down to cost.

Nearly half of Americans (46%) provide financial support for their aging parents or in-laws, or expect to in the future, according to a recent survey from LendingTree, an online lending marketplace. The same survey found more than half of those who support their parents have incurred debt while providing help, and almost half feel resentment toward their parents because of the financial burden. Northwestern's study found only 42% of Boomers and 35% of Gen X respondents have planned financially for their own long-term care.

"We are seeing some differences in generations. I think older folks are more likely to realize that they are going to need care and they want to deal with it, but only about half of them have actually planned for it," said Daniel Loventhal, a financial advisor with Northwestern Mutual. "And then as we get to younger generations, less and less have taken the steps to plan for their own care, their parents' care or even being caregivers themselves."

Rogers said she was losing about $300 per week when she quit her job to care for her mother.

“That meant a lot of things for my family," she said. "And we were in debt when mom passed, because she was with us."

After her mother died, Rogers said "it took at least a year" for her family's finances to get back on track.

"It's a real challenge when you're taking care of multiple generations at the same time, from a time perspective, from a stress perspective, from a financial perspective," Loventhal said. "Can a younger generation still save for their kids' education while they're helping to pay for their parents' or grandparents' care?"

Most adult children feel a responsibility to care for their parents, financially and otherwise, said Matt Schulz, LendingTree's chief consumer finance analyst.

"I think that it's a noble thing to want to take care of those who took care of you for so long," Schulz said. It's also reasonable to feel resentment. Either way, he suggests sandwich generation caregivers start preparing as soon as they can, before their parents need help.

"You can never put too much money away," he said.

'There was no way he could have moved in'

There's still a lot of stigma associated with senior housing, Cuticelli said. Some people are worried for their parents' safety and comfort, even if it means sacrificing their own by having their parents move in.

But there are more senior living options than ever before, Cuticelli said. It's a good idea to tour different housing options early, before your loved one is in a crisis situation.

And there's nothing wrong with prioritizing your own family, said Kathleen Korpela, a caregiving consultant in Seattle.

When Korpela's father started to need significant care due to Alzheimer's disease in 2017, her family was "woefully unprepared." Like most people, Korpela said she hadn't talked about senior care with her parents.

"My brother and I hadn't had proactive conversations with my dad around what did he really want for himself," she said. "And then on top of that, we didn't even have basic education about dementia... I was, like, Googling 'dementia.'"

Korpela was 36 at the time with a 4-year-old and a 6-month-old to raise. "There was no way he could have moved in," she said. Her brother told her he couldn't make it work, either. So, they got their father qualified for Medicaid and moved him into an adult family home.

The process can take years, Korpela said. It's tiresome and requires a lot of phone calls, research and emotional conversations.

"My brother and I did a really good job of recognizing that we love our father, we love our dad, we want the best for him. But we need to be able to support our own livelihoods, support our own families and take care of ourselves," she said.

Now, she gives her clients similar advice: "As much as you might love and care for your parent, you cannot put your own financial livelihood and your financial future security at risk."

Changing a parent's living situation is a big deal, Korpela said. The earlier people can plan for their parents' financial and living situation, the better.

Madeline Mitchell's role covering women and the caregiving economy at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input.

Reach Madeline at memitchell@usatoday.com and @maddiemitch_ on X.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Older Americans want to age at home. Their kids are suffering to help them.

Reporting by Madeline Mitchell, USA TODAY / USA TODAY

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