ANN ARBOR, MI - A study of over 2,000 bearded men found a "strong correlation" between a thick, bushy growth of facial hair and uncanny supernatural abilities such as flight, powerful regenerative abilities, heat vision, and enhanced strength, researchers at the University of Michigan announced Monday.

"Besides the obvious benefits like a manly look, warmth in the winter, and enhanced preaching and teaching skills, beards seem to grant the owner any number of enhanced capabilities," a research assistant told reporters Monday. "We witnessed one subject who grew a beard, and after it breached a length of one inch, was instantly gifted with the ability to run the speed of sound."

"It seems the obvious choice for any man is to grow a beard. We really don't see any reason why you wouldn't."

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