Aries, March 21st–April 19th

One day, Ryan Gosling will grow up and realise he is actually a beautiful swan.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

If the caravan’s-a-rocking, check it hasn’t become uncoupled again and isn’t pinballing its way down the M62.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Epstein! Meet Jeff Epstein! He’s a modern sex-trafficking pimp! With pals! Don and Andy! And Bill Clinton dressed up as a gimp!

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

An army of worms marches on its stomach.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Channel 5, on hearing Hitler did indeed have a single testicle and a micropenis, sighs, closes its weary eyes and commissions a documentary.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe swine love pearls? Miss Piggy certainly would.

Libra, September 23rd–October

See Full Page