STEINBACH, MB

For more than a year, a secretive Alberta company has been buying up the mineral rights for a massive area surrounding the city of Steinbach. The precise nature of the mineral rights purchase has been kept under wraps, with people hypothesizing everything from lithium and oil, to nickel and coal.

Well, sources now say that the mysterious substance has finally been revealed.

“It’s not schmaunt fat or cracklings or even Bothwell cheese curds,” said the anonymous source. “Instead, we believe that the company has uncovered the headspring for Welch’s non-alcoholic grape juice.”

Welch’s grape juice was first introduced into area churches a few decades ago to replace the regular communion wine. It is believed that Steinbach area churches have been extracting this grape juice fro

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