PEARLY GATES — Anthony Spinner, a Wisconsin man who'd recently been broken in half during a backyard wrestling match, attempted to argue his way into the Kingdom of Heaven by showing Saint Peter the Ukraine flag he placed on his Twitter bio. He was reportedly turned away after being informed that Jesus had no idea who he was.

"Look how good and virtuous I am!" said Spinner, beaming.

"Yeah, that's great," Peter said. "But, you put pineapple on pizza and wished for people who disagreed with you to die."

"But look at this Ukrainian flag on my Twitter bio," Spinner argued. "And I'm very nice and supportive of all friends in the LGBTQ+ community!"

Peter reportedly rolled his eyes. "It's all written in the scriptures," Peter pointed out. "It's all there in black and white — and sometimes red

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