MIAMI - Burger King will soon require all employees to show proof of vaccination against Hepatitis A before clocking into work. The popular fast-food chain, burdened in recent months by a national labor and supply shortage, is hoping to solve all of its problems by keeping whatever employees they still have alive.

"Hepatitis A spreads primarily through food and drinks contaminated by fecal matter," commented CDC Public Relations Associate Chelsea Darabont. "And as everyone knows, everything you buy at Burger King is contaminated by fecal matter. Forcibly inoculating their employees is sure to save dozens of lives."

Burger King's CEO, his Royal Highness King Burger, sent out a crier to proclaim his sovereign message: "All vassals must hereby comply with this ruling. If thou be immunized p

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