TAIPEI CITY - Having watched as Russian tanks rolled through Ukraine while nobody came rushing to their defense, the Taiwanese government today released an official statement acknowledging that they are "totally screwed".

"I mean, why lie?" said the President of Taiwan, Tsai Ing-wen. "We were hoping America would use diplomacy and a strong military as a deterrent against aggressors, but once Biden got in office, we realized we were toast."

"The invasion of Ukraine just confirmed for us just how toast we are. Lol. We are totally screwed."

Government officials have begun cleaning out their desks, as well as rolling out a nice red carpet for the tanks to drive on. Pictures of Xi have been hung on official buildings, especially the ones the Taiwanese would prefer to not be blown up. All eth

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