Why We Hold Grudges: The Psychology of Whether to Forgive

Key points

Forgiveness cannot be achieved through sheer force of will.

The inability to forgive may be a signal from within to alert us to something we need to understand.

Vulnerable parts of ourselves can hold our authentic experience, causing symptoms when we ignore it.

As holiday and family gatherings draw near, so does social pressure to forgive, be happy, and be “normal,” all of which can contribute to a looming feeling of anticipatory anxiety and dread, particularly in the context of ruptured family relationships. Expectations of how we’re supposed to feel and behave can activate conflict, shame, and guilt when our feelings don’t align.

On top of this, most people recognize that holding onto anger is not conducive to inner peace or healthy relationships.

Why Can’t We Just