Everyone thinks that Thanksgiving is about gratitude and family, but we know what this holiday is really about: astonishing your entire home town with your athletic prowess. The only problem is that, for years, true challengers have been forced to participate in rinky-dink Turkey Trot 5Ks. But no longer. At last, there’s a Thanksgiving race for real competitors: the Iron Turkey.

This intense feat of endurance begins at 4 A.M . sharp with a gruelling, three-mile river swim. And the water isn’t just frigid—it’s thick. Yup, to kick things up a notch, we dumped five thousand pounds of instant mashed-potato powder into that bad boy. It’s mealy, it’s blinding, and you’d better believe it smells crazy.

As you plunge through miles of synthetic spuds, you’ll notice a familiar, grating voice i

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