Key points

We need to understand our fake “questions” for what they are: bids for validation, not understanding.

Noticing what gets stirred in us can soften reactivity and open up curiosity.

Imagining alternative stories combats the fundamental attribution error and opens up empathy.

Recently, a woman I’d been planning a first date with canceled an hour before we were supposed to meet. Her message was to the point: I’m not going to be able to make it. Just tired of dating right now and need a break.

My immediate internal reaction was more complex: Really? How could she do that? It sounds like a question, but what I really wanted was an apology and reassurance that my frustration made sense.

We all do this. Are you kidding me? to the car that cuts us off. Who does that? to th

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