If you believe Elon Musk—though, honestly, why would you?—he is going to build eleventy billion humanoid robots that will do literally everything, ushering in an unprecedented era of peace and prosperity.

Did we mention that—since Elon’s cultural reference points seem to be those of a tween who is convinced that, because he read one science fiction book, he is light-years beyond his peers—the dumb robots are named Optimus? As in Prime? Sigh.

In reality, these robots, whose existence will be just over the horizon forever, really only exist as a way for Musk to pretend that he’s worth the staggering pay packages his companies are foolish enough to give him.

So here are some things that Musk’s robots are totally, definitely, absolutely going to be able to do.

Get built!

Uh, yeah, as just

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