Key points

You cannot change what happened, but you can change how you understand what happened.

An unloving parent lives on in your mind after they die, but it's never too late to banish them.

Even if you couldn't confront the toxic parent in life, uncovering why they were toxic can neutralize them.

When Nelson Mandela, the first Black president of South Africa, emerged from prison after 27 years, he famously said he couldn't be truly free unless he let go of his hatred for his jailers. You don't have to have been unjustly imprisoned—or to have experienced anything remotely comparable—to know what he meant.

Like most adult children with an unloving parent, I was trapped in a relationship with my hyper-critical mother, no matter how far I was from home, in miles or years. She lived in

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