WAKING with a hangover so searing I have to call the fire brigade and have them direct a hose at full blast directly into my mouth for ten minutes in order to rehydrate, I reflect on the past week.

I had noted that a certain vocal section of the public is insistent that the biggest problem currently facing the UK is an influx of small boats.

I therefore announced, on right-wing social media pages, a church-led initiative in accordance with the sentiments of fellow Christian Tommy Robinson. A counter-incursion of small boats, supplied by myself, 80 in total, to put to water on the English Channel. It would be sailed by patriotic volunteers determined to stem the tide of asylum seekers.

We gathered at dawn; I personally arranged for the volunteers to pick up their vessels at the beach and

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