BRONSONVILLE, IL - Aspiring entrepreneur Christopher Jenkins recently graduated from Harvard at the top of his class. He is fit, friendly, inviting, and has a good grasp of the English language. He has good hygiene and a knack for problem-solving. He is 99% perfect.

Women love him, kids think he is funny. Grandmas wish he would marry their granddaughters. If ever there were a more likely candidate for America's next great success story, it would be Jenkins. He is a humanitarian. He donates money to orphans and time to homeless shelters. This world is his for the taking. Well, almost.

No company could resist a resume like his. He has so much going for him. He is prime hiring material. Well, almost.

Chris has a man bun.

"So close," said Arnold Tuckersmith, CEO of Megatech Industries. "Mi

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