BURBANK, CA — After Disney's Lightyear disappointed at the box office, failing to earn as much in three weeks as Minions: The Rise of Gru earned in one weekend, Disney announced they are releasing a new cut of Lightyear into theaters — this time with minions added.

"It's clear to us now that the kids just want minions," said Disney CEO Bob Chapek. "We thought kids wanted bold, progressive stories of forbidden lesbian love that will make them more open to queer stories and questioning of the gender binary and maybe even changing their own gender and living life as a fabulous drag queen performing sex acts on stage for one-dollar bills while the remnants of the patriarchy burn around them in a hellscape of sexual anarchy, but no. They just want minions."

Disney execs reported being sho

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