WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, President Biden's team is planning to submerge the President in a bacta tank tonight so his mind and body will be prepared for his upcoming State of the Union address. White House aides are hopeful the bacta fluid will put a skip in the elderly president's step and sharpen his mind to at least 2008 levels so that he'll be able to form a complete sentence.

"The American people expect answers about how great of a job I'm doing," Biden said as he was forcefully shoved into a cylindrical pod by Secret Service agents. "My handlers say floating in a strange liquid goo for a while is just the ticket!"

Bacta tanks came into popularity following highly publicized use by Dark Lord of the Sith Darth Vader and Walt Disney. They are known for their restorative

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