Aries, March 21st–April 19th

This Saturday night, go out and hit the town. Smack the city. Spank the village.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

“So to confirm, 100 per cent George Michael was gay, is it?”

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Call that a wig, Kate? Charles II would like a word.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

These young people spend all their time on technology, don’t they? I mean look at that paramedic over there. She’s never off that defibrillator. Just put it down for a second and appreciate the world around you.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Of course, before the accident, they were called Deaf Leopard.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Someone must have successfully split the G for the first time at their Nan’s wake. That’s a statistical certainty.

Libra, September 23rd–October

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