THE first person to arrive at any house party is always someone the hosts already regretted inviting, research has shown.

Studies of wankers’ travel patterns and their subconscious awareness of being disliked showed they deliberately arrive early to get their pick of alcohol and to identify vulnerable guests to corner for the entire evening.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We were inspired to conduct our research by Leanne’s leaving do, when that twat James was straight on the scene.

“It appears to be universal; whether it’s your dullest colleague, your most freeloading relative or that loutish mate from uni you should have shaken years ago, the first person to walk through the door will make your stomach lurch in horror.

“Furthermore, they’re are more li

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