OVERWEIGHT, wheezing men in pubs expect only the highest standards of beauty from celebrity women. Regretfully, they have noted the following flaws:

Aimee Lou Wood: prominent teeth

Steve, who drinks six Guinnesses a night, harshly but fairly pointed out the White Lotus star looks a bit like a sexy rabbit, so for him it’s a no-go. Is he talking shit, and would be instantly smitten if she walked in now? No way mate, he says, banking on her never popping into The Corner Bar in Crewe.

Keira Knightley: flat-chested

Not to be outdone, Stuart points out over his fifth Stella that Ms Knightley is an A-cup and that rules her out as he’s a boob man. Poor Keira will never woo this 47-year-old IT support guy, who knows what he’s talking about because he’s got quite a pair of breasts of his own.

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