Government Now Requiring Masks to Fully Cover Douchey Neck Tattoos

THUNDER BAY, ON

After nationwide protests saw a “disturbing” presence of neck tattoos, bleach-blonde hair, and mirrored sunglasses, the Government of Canada issued a new health advisory requiring “all douchey neck tattoos” to be fully covered by a mask.

“It’s got to go over your nose, over your mouth, and also completely cover any Ed Hardy-inspired neck tattoos you might have,” read the memo. “Anyone caught displaying a douchey neck tattoo will be fined $300 or serve two weeks in prison watching old National Film Board vignettes.”

The grand poobah of douchey neck tattoos was recently arrested in Thunder Bay, which was seen as an important first step in eliminating douchey neck tattoos forever.

“We’re seeing the virus spread in and around these neck tattoos more than any other source,”