CHEYENNE, WY — Local newborn Sebastian Weaver III is starting to suspect this blue nipple he's been furiously sucking on for 3 hours might not contain any milk.

"Yeah, something feels off here," said Weaver, according to sources within the baby community. "If I didn't know better, I'd say this whole thing might be a ruse to keep me quiet, and not a source of delicious milk after all. But that's crazy. What kind of a sick person would do that?"

According to experts, the conspiracy theory that pacifiers, also known as "binkies," are not real nipples, contain no nourishing milk, and are actually a cruel joke played on children by their parents, has been growing among children between the ages of 0 and 2. "I'd prefer to believe my parents would never do something like that to me," said Weave

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