The wild rumours circulating at Labour's conference probably, we don't know, we can't get in

LABOUR’S annual conference is abuzz with rumours that would scandalise and horrify Britain, we imagine, we didn’t get a pass. Here they are anyway:

“Rachel Reeves fails to recognise numbers”

At a fringe event, the chancellor caused consternation by not recognising a display of positive integers, calling them ‘gobbledegook’ and pitifully attempting to claw at them before ordering off-menu. She later tried to explain it as being because numbers are Arabic while she is a patriot.

“Andy Burnham accompanied by personal dry ice team”

The Mayor of Manchester enters and leaves every event in billows of dramatic dry ice like a Stars In Your Eyes contestant, accompanied by speakers blaring Back by Dope Demand. Has changed to his glitter-black eyeshadow and mascara.

“Suella Braverman defecti