CHICAGO, IL — Authorities have been alerted as to the presence of a suspicious white van at the corner of State St. and Huron. Local sources confirmed that this 12-passenger white Ford Econoline belongs to either a dangerous kidnapper or a nice Catholic family.

"We've been following this van since it picked up a large group of kids outside St. Agnes of Bohemia School," said FBI field agent Dirk Whitley to reporters. "We're not sure if this guy is a run-of-the-mill kidnapper or a Catholic with a crap-ton of kids. Either way, he's probably extremely dangerous."

The van was confirmed to belong to a Catholic family after the van pulled up to St. Peter's Church and dropped off Peter, Paul, Luke, Thomas, Matthew, Joan, Rachel, Rebecca, Diane, Stephen, Mark, and Benedict.

At publishing time, t

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