Aries, March 21st–April 19th

So now you’ve met the PinkPantheress, the rinky-dink Pantheress, have you ever met a Pantheress whose songs were so short?

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Baby, they should call you laminate flooring because you’re always getting laid by rough blokes in white vans.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

I order stuff online but refuse to pay delivery charges. It’s enough that it’s all out there somewhere, waiting for me.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

“Well, it’s your funeral,” says the vicar conducting your funeral.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

You wouldn’t steal a car. Oh, you would? Fine, carry on watching pirated DVDs then.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

For a cheap evening out head to A&E and take bets who’s a time waster and who has moments to live, just like re

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