SEX is temporary, and one day we will all make love for the final time. But when will yours be? Find out:

When was the last time you had sex?

A) Saturday night, when my Bumble date finally accepted I was looking for a long-term relationship and gave it up. I currently have 14 unopened messages from her.

B) Last weekend when I was ovulating. We’re trying to conceive our second child, you see, though of course sex isn’t just about procreation but about our love as a couple.

B) Okay, let me think, definitely within the last couple of months, I remember it wasn’t long after the Pope died. That was in April? Ah.

When do you next plan to have sex?

A) Next Saturday night, when a Hinge date I’ve been nursing along for the last few months allows me past her defences and believes I’m for real.

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