PENTAGON — In response to a heightened risk of an all-out world war, the Pentagon has issued a directive for all military personnel to ramp up their diversity and inclusion training.

"If we are to go toe-to-toe with Russia, we need to wield our most powerful weapon: diversity," said General Mark Milley to reporters while waiting for his fresh manicure to dry. "Starting today, our top priority is to make sure all Marines, Airmen, Seamen, and Soldiers have completed modules 1-17 of our mandatory whiteness and gender studies training."

In a statement, President Joe Biden voiced support for the inclusivity directive, emphasizing unity, diversity, and hating anyone who thinks differently.

"Look, Jack," said Biden to a model in a Sears catalog he mistook for his secretary. "Russia is going to

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