How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here . It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My wife and I have raised two great kids and have been married for almost 18 years. She hasn’t initiated intimacy for a long time. Nine months ago I had performance issues in bed and we thought it was my testosterone. After testing, my results were normal. But I took some supplements anyway and had to stop because of extreme mood swings.

I realized the problem was really that she always waits for me to initiate intimacy. I even asked her to try something different by using a vibrator to get her in the mood. I just wanted to try something new with her. Her response was to plan a night around it, but she said she was tired at the time. I am t

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