BURLINGTON, VT — According to preordained sources, a 37-point Calvinist bravely and openly admitted his own depravity this week during a brutal intellectual beat-down of an ignorant atheist. Witnesses were shocked by the young man's great honesty about his fallen condition, in addition to his luminous intellect and well-oiled beard.

"Listen, it's right there in the Doctrine of Total Depravity," he said. "I'm totally depraved. I'm a worthless sinner with no merit deserving of God's grace...duh. If you deny that, it's because God in his mercy has not yet chosen to awaken your spirit with the divine light of his unmerited favor. You are an enemy of God and you are completely repulsive to Him. I say this with gentleness and respect because I love you."

As the Calvinist spoke through a thick

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