Choosing to Be Loved Without Working for It

Key points

Unequal relationships often persist through mutual conditioning, not conscious choice.

The drive to be lovable can begin in childhood, when goodness felt key to keeping love.

Healing means disentangling kindness from fear and allowing love to be mutual, not managed.

This post is the second in a two-part series. You can read Part 1 here: When You Work Too Hard to Be Loved .

The Self-Perpetuating Dynamic

Some people, especially those with emotionally avoidant or self-centred tendencies, are drawn to highly agreeable partners. They sense, often unconsciously, that such people will adapt to them. What looks like chemistry is sometimes psychological complementarity—one gives, the other takes.

The exploitative pattern doesn’t depend on overt cruelty. It thrives on quiet in