Aries, March 21st–April 19th

‘Ratajkowski? Now that’s one Emily I’d like to get my dick in, son!’ you say but, the lads being largely ignorant of 19th century American poetry, not one of them gets it.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

‘Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me.’ On reflection, not the right way to open up the PSHE lesson. You live, you learn.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Hands trembling, you type ‘INSERT CCOIN’ and then wait, mustering all your faith that your god will come to correct it.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

This week, electrify your friendship group by randomly texting ‘are you sure that message was meant for me?’ then switching off your phone.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

“Sorry lads, it’s going to be ten minutes before we can get on the pitch for ou

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