A KINDLY old man has reassured younger people that the thrill of masturbation never fades.

Geriatric Stephen Malley explained that while age takes its toll on your body and mind, rubbing one out in the shadow of death remains as enjoyable as when you were a teenager.

He said: “There’s lots to worry about as you get older. Arthritis, memory loss, social isolation. Hand shandies are your body’s way of giving you something to live for.

“You may think the novelty of wanking wears off once you start having sex, but you’d be wrong. Lovers come and go but the pleasure of hand relief is always there for you. Especially during dry spells like that terrible one of 1982-85.

“My right hand knows exactly what I like and how I want it. I can’t think of any other partner who’s been so attuned to me.

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