How We Judge People Instead of Building Connection

Key points

We often evaluate people instead of noticing what’s happening in the connection itself.

Even in long-term relationships, constant evaluation turns love into performance management.

Judging too quickly feels safe but actually blocks curiosity and genuine intimacy.

Real compatibility emerges over time through responsiveness and emotional repair.

“I felt like I was being interviewed,” a friend told me after a recent date. “He asked about my five-year plan, my attachment style, even how I process emotions. By the end, I was waiting to hear if I got the job.”

Dating today often feels like that. We’ve absorbed the language of evaluation— vetting, red flags, emotional availability —and use it as a kind of self-protection. Instead of exploring connection, we assess it. What u