Six signs your girlfriend is wanking furiously and you're oblivious

SURELY she isn’t. But then there are odd little hints that your significant other is masturbating as frenziedly as a man would. These are the signs:

Over-lengthy showers

She is in there for ages. And at points seems to be gasping in a manner not wholly associated with cleanliness. She innocently claims she’s using the ‘Wim Hof cold rinse’ because ‘it’s so invigorating’ which makes sense, and explains why she’s so flushed coming out of there. False alarm.

Disappearing upstairs for age

She claims she’s just ‘sorting her wardrobe’ and as you have no idea what that entails, maybe it does take 45 minutes and require drawn curtains. And she only did it three days ago, and you’d swear you can hear the bed shaking and tinny voices as if from a phone speaker. Actually she was watching a YouTube