CONGRESS has voted to release the Epstein files, and the commander-in-chief cannot wait for the public to read it. He explains his self-aggrandising reasons:

It’s the most exciting epic you’ll read all year

Most books are boring words on boring paper. This one though, it’s got everything. A tropical island, a mystery spanning decades, a cast of celebrities. We’ve held off publishing it for so long to make sure it’s perfect which takes a while when it’s 20,000 pages of gripping legal documents. I own the movie rights.

I’m the star

Everything is better for Trump being in it. Government coups, steak adverts, hush-money accusations, you name it. I’m proud to be the star of this story because otherwise it risks being a dreary tale about some depressed financier who kills himself in prison.

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