Key points

Kindness feels soothing only when the nervous system has the capacity to receive it.

Warmth can trigger shame, fear, or defensiveness in people with unintegrated wounds.

Different forms of “niceness” reflect distinct neurobiological and adaptive patterns.

Rejection of kindness reveals incompatibility of capacity, not inadequacy of the giver.

We often assume that kindness is a universal good, that warmth is inherently soothing, and that a genuine gesture of connection will be received as something nourishing. And yet, many of us have experienced the opposite: We offer something simple and warm, and the reaction that comes back is withdrawal, defensiveness, or even hostility. It’s one of the most perplexing interpersonal moments—not because of the loss itself, but because of

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