Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Anyone know when the next Waitrose ad goes up? The one where Joe Wilkinson and Keira Knightley f**k each other bloody hard. Then there’s a close up of some mince pies or something.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

“It’s a signed photo of Sir Patrick Stewart. No, no idea why, he just posted it through.”

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

“I’ve never had such crackling sexual chemistry with the man leading my speed awareness course before. This is new.”

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

A big poster at the railway station: ‘BEING GINGER IS A CHOICE’.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

“I now pronounce you hoosband and weef. I’m Dutch, that’s how I say it.”

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

And so, wrapped in bacon, the sausages became aware of their former nakedness for the firs

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