WINNIPEG, MB

Every Mennonite’s biggest fear came true this past week, as an elderly man from rural Manitoba ventured into Winnipeg on a holiday shopping spree and innocently greeted each person he met with a hearty ‘Merry Christmas.’ After assaulting more than three dozen people with the offensive salutation, he was finally identified, caught, and arraigned on charges of mischief and disturbing the peace.

“Where I come from you can say ‘Merry Christmas’ to absolutely everyone,” explained Mr. Peters. “But around here you’re immediately sent to prison for even smiling at a stranger.”

Peters faces possible life-imprisonment for the brutal attacks.

“I used to think all those wacko conspiracy nuts on the Internet were full of it,” said Peters from his Stony Mountain cell. “But I guess it’s

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