DID you find great comfort this weekend in imagining president Trump was incapacitated or deceased? Why stop? Here’s how to always believe it:

Avoid his press conferences

It is a regrettable fact that Trump, as a vainglorious arsehole, needs to hold regular press conferences while gold leaf creeps up the wall behind him. These are content-free and usually contain statements not just untrue but contrary to all truth, like 1,500 per cent price drops or claims tariffs have raised eight trillion dollars. Simply don’t watch.

Avoid golf courses

When not making risible claims about how many wars he just ended now while you were asking that question, Trump golfs. Therefore keep away from golf courses, especially those where he plays regularly and gold leaf is snaking across the greens like vul

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