Aries, March 21st–April 19th

‘Oh I do like to be beside the seaside,’ quoth the seagull.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Brilliant marketing move, launching the ultra-thin iPhone Air right ahead of everyone getting ice on their car windscreens.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Life hack: don’t revitalise your failing relationship by having a baby. Get a really massive television instead.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

“God, no, I hardly know any ballet. I can assemblé, pretty sure, and plié and certainly arabesque but that’s all. Maybe grande jeté. Tour en l’air if I’m pushed.”

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

When Gerry Adams records a cameo it’s twice as expensive, as you have to get another actor to dub his voice.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

It’s less well known that, just before he split

See Full Page