NEW YORK, NY

Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson is urging low-testosterone Mennonite men to “stick your sausage in a smoker pronto.”

“This is no laughing matter,” said Carlson, who claims 1 in 3 men now suffer from under-smoked sausages. “We have an epidemic in this country of droopy withered sausages and only a good 5 or 6 hours in a hot smoker can fix that.”

After his broadcast, millions of Mennonite men put down their vinegar and raw sausages and purchased backyard smokers at an alarming rate.

“‘How to smoke my own sausage’ was the number one search phrase on Google for a while,” said analyst Garth Toews. “Thankfully, it isn’t very hard to give your sausage a bit of heat.”

Tucker Carlson is also encouraging Anabaptist men to have sausage parties at their earliest convenience.

“This is

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