THE Mercury Prize is announced tomorrow, and nobody will be asking your opinion because you’re 53. Nonetheless, prepare for imaginary conversations with this guide:

Pulp – More

A nice easy one to start with because you’ve actually heard this. Why wouldn’t you listen to something that reminds you of being 22 and thin? Music peaked with Britpop, so More is easily album of the year because Blur and Oasis haven’t released anything.

Wolf Alice – The Clearing

Their fourth nomination without a win, so clearly what the Mercury judges put on when they’ve got guests round but aren’t really that into. Safe to say they’ve lost their edge, as it’s unlikely anyone will say ‘What do you mean?’ when you say ‘They’ve lost their edge.’

Sam Fender – People Watching

Listen, we all like Bruce Springste

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